This is me (Standing)

Music for your Monday

2010-08-09T12:16:00.001-04:00

In honor of the next concert I am attending...Ray LaMontagne (AKA Ray La) and David Gray on Friday, August 20th...I give you a taste of these fantastic gentlemen...

Ray...You Are The Best Thing

Ray....live version of Shelter. Love

David...Be Mine

David...Jackdaw (just love the piano)

I've seen David before, last October. Amazing. Ray will be a first! I am listening right now to a sneak peek of his new album on NPR. Swoon!

Music for your Monday

2010-08-02T16:08:00.001-04:00

JM was amazing. Train opened for him and was also great.

So, for you my friends...

A few fave JM's, a new (to me) Train song that I am totes in love with (the lead singer of Train came down off the stage on Friday and sang in the crowd. Literally came right up to our seats!), and a bonus Ben Folds that is me and H's song. I am just in a really love song-y mood today.

Enjoy :)

JM - Clarity
He played this on Friday night. Top 3 faves. Love.

JM - In Your Atmosphere
Will never get sick of this song.

JM - War of My Life
Live from the concert Friday. Not my footage. His rants are odd and he is kind of a douche, but I just love the message!

Train - Marry Me
A new fave!

Ben Folds - The Luckiest
So in love with this song...

Nostalgia

2010-07-30T14:32:00.002-04:00

Friday, July 20 2007. The date of my first John Mayer concert. I went with my new(ish) work friend, Just. She and I had recently become close at the office and we bonded over similar taste in music, a shared astrological sign and a propensity for overanalyzing things. Namely, our feelings.

Just had recently broken up with the one. This was also a catalyst for our closeness. Being firm believers that people are placed into your life for a reason, we knew it was all part of the big plan that - although we'd worked in the same, small office for close to a year - it was only now that we started doing lunches, manicures, and the occasional happy hour.

The concert was amazing. We had lawn seats at the venue and sat on a big blankets with beers and hot dogs. This was also the first night I ever met H. As the date for the concert approached, I reconnected with a high school friend who was also planning on going. We decided to meet up at the concert and say hi. Once Just and I arrived and found our perfect lawn seats, I got a call from said friend who was on her way to the show. A question: Would I mind if her boyfriend's brother sat with us? He bought a last minute lawn seat (to see the opening act - Ben Folds) and she'd introduce us.

"He's a nice guy, not a weirdo or anything."

And so, Ben played and John played (Just and I swooned) and I made a new friend. He was a bit quiet, cordial, I think he bought us a beer. He was kind. He drove all of us home and asked for my number. I saw him a few times after that, but we never really dated until - well, until now! Until May of 2009 when we saw each other again (at his brother's and my friend's wedding) and we've been together ever since.

Tonight, I am once again going to see John Mayer at the same exact venue as '07, on this - a Friday night in July. I am going with Just. We haven't worked together in over a year since her departure from the company. I miss that. I miss sharing an office with her. I miss sharing every. single. thing. Every feeling and every emotion. It was almost like something didn't really happen to me until I shared it with Just. We now have a slightly different relationship, but still remain very close.

So many of the circumstances are the same and just as many are different. We've been to two more JM shows together since. I am finding myself feeling very nostalgic and reflective about going to the concert tonight, singing and dancing, reconnecting and catching up, and reliving that night in July.

"...I know a girl ... she puts the color inside of my world..."

{circa 2007}

Lamebook Wins

2010-07-28T16:07:00.002-04:00

Funny Schtuff. Click to enlarge.

O, O, O, Oprah

2010-07-28T08:47:00.000-04:00

Who doesn't love O for her positivity and inspiration?

I finally realized that being grateful to my body was key to giving more love to myself.

Oprah Winfrey (1954 - ), O Magazine

{photo via i can read}

Music for your Mond....er, Tuesday

2010-07-27T09:43:00.001-04:00

Last Sunday was the laziest. Sunday. Ever. And it was great. We got up around 11 and ate blueberry pancakes and then went back to sleep all day. Did nothing.

In honor, and a whole week plus later, here are my favorite lazy songs.

Yes, let's go back to sleep.

Kickball in College

2010-07-23T11:47:00.001-04:00

I'd give anything to go back.

Dinner Last Night

2010-07-23T10:31:00.001-04:00

In an effort to satisfy a serious pasta craving without blowing my daily calorie count completely out of the water, I wanted to try to make this recipe. I stalk the Eat Like Me Blog on Self.com and love getting the insight into what a nutritionist really eats!

Quite pleased with the results, I must say. It was fresh and filling, loaded with veggies and very flavorful. It was almost like a summer version of a Chicken Scallopini.

The only changes I made was adding some red onion while sauteing the garlic and I also added two boneless chicken thighs that I threw on the grill with some salt and pepper.

Highly recommended!

{the almost finished product, without the pasta or the fresh mozz; photo taken by camera phone}

2010-07-20T11:12:00.002-04:00

{photo via Mary Ruffle}

Music for your Monday

2010-07-19T16:23:00.001-04:00

Top Ten Feel Good Summer Songs

Uncle Kracker - Smile
"I'm lucky just to linger in your light..."

Kid Rock - All Summer Long
Yes, it's cheap knock-off of a classic (H despises this song!), but it's catchy...

Kenny Chesney - Summertime
Quintessential.

Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
Guilty Pleasure.

Zac Brown Band - Toes
I am cheating and giving you two ZBB songs. But come on. If this doesn't say summer, what does?

Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (I Love You)
Ok, I saw this song performed live a few months ago when they opened for John Mayer. Incred.

Kris Allen - Live Like We're Dying
I dig Idol.

Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me
I dig Idol. A lot.

TLC - Waterfalls
Crazy. Sexy. Cool.

Heavy D & The Boyz - Now That We Found
Bringing it back to '95.

I''ll be listening to these all week. You should join me.

Oh and a bonus...because I love this song.

YHL Love.

2010-07-07T12:25:00.000-04:00

Oh you, Youngsters...how you woo me with your ideas. I cannot get enough of you!

You better believe I will be trying this or that when we go away this weekend - and hoping to continue the tradition!

You kids never cease to amaze me.

Check them out - now!

Upcoming Vacation!

2010-07-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

This weekend, H and I will be eating and sightseeing our way through Memphis TN! His Mom's family lives down there, and we'll be visiting them, meeting up with some cousins, and experiencing the city! I've been there once, with my Mom, but we only saw Graceland, and it was just one night. This trip will be different! I cannot wait!

Stuff No One Told Me

2010-07-01T14:01:00.000-04:00

Love these.

{Find them here.}

Dinner Last Night

2010-07-01T09:30:00.000-04:00

Last night, I set out to make this delicious-looking and healthy recipe from Real Simple. I adore my daily Real Simple e-mails that send me quotes, recipes and ideas. Let's begin with the beautiful, magazine photo, shall we?

That looks awesome. And now, for my version.

First, the veggies - purchased from my favorite produce stand in Center City. And cheap. Spinach (which will also be used for another recipe tonight! More on that later...), Roma tomatoes, zucchini and a large red onion.

Making my first vinaigrette (!), which I marinated the chicken in and reserved half for dressing the salad.

I grilled everything up. Beautiful weather for grilling last night, I might add.

And look at those equally beautiful grill marks!

(The red onions did not turn out as well. As I chopped them, they started to fall apart, so I placed them - along with the rest of the zuchinni, into a foil pouch and stuck them up on the top shelf-thingie of the grill. I'll have them as leftovers at some point!)

The finished product. And, once again, I surprise myself with the fact that I actually can cook (sometimes.)

I rewarded my hard work and low-calorie dinner with dessert - of course.

Why I am switching nail salons...

2010-06-30T16:04:00.001-04:00

**Disclaimer - This post is less-than-enjoyable to read. It's sort of sad and a bit disturbing. Read at your own risk and don't claim I didn't warn you.**

My twice-a-month manicure and not-nearly-as-often pedicure are two of my favorite ways to treat myself. Tiny indulgences that are budgeted for and get me through some weeks. I've been a regular at a salon that is literally right next to my building for about three years now. (Wow, I cannot believe I've been working in the city for five years. It doesn't seem that long. I remember being so freaked out by the idea of it when I was interviewing at my company! But, I digress...)

Every other week, I pop in - usually around 2ish - for a quick (we're talking 20 minutes people) and simple manicure. I don't always get the same person, but I am a familiar face. No appointment needed, short and square, same(ish) color every time (a nude or pinkish tone) - no frills.

Two weeks ago, I stopped in - for a pedi this time. I probably get about six pedicures a year, and mostly in the summer months. They take a little longer (but not much) and are twice as relaxing. A magazine and a working massage chair are all I need to forget, temporarily, that I am at work and truly relax.

So, back to two weeks ago, I think it was a Wednesday. Sitting in the chair and enjoying OK! Magazine (I am obsessed with the Kardashians. Admit it, you are too.), I was halfway through when an older woman came charging through the salon, heading quickly towards the bathroom and being shouted out the entire time by the employees. Apparently, they did not want her using the bathroom as she wasn't a customer. They chased after her and steered her out - everyone in the tiny salon was watching the whole thing. I didn't realize until she was on her way out that her pants were soaked. She had wet herself.

Sad. I told you.

She didn't look too old, and she was mobile. No walker, no cane. She was dressed a bit odd, but who's to say? She didn't look homeless either. Apparently, she just had an accident. Maybe she was sick. Maybe she just literally could not hold it.

The whole thing was over right after it began. She fled the salon and wouldn't even look up, clearly embarrassed. The woman in the pedicure chair next to me mentioned that it looked like she had purchased clothes from the consignment shop next door. She remarked on how sad the situation was, how the salon should have let her use the restroom and how the woman would not even look at any of us. I mean, how embarrassing.

I started to get angry. Why couldn't they let this woman use their restroom? I do understand that, as a business in Center City, they need to be careful about wanderers coming in to use the facilities. But, this was different.

A distinct smell permeated the space, it was unmistakable. The employees and other patrons started exaggeratedly holding their noses and and spraying everything in sight. Rolling their eyes and laughing - yes, laughing - they made sure that the smell was covered by some awful perfume, cleaning products, anything with a scent.

This made me even more angry. If my feet weren't elevated and covered with soap, etc. I might have walked out. Maybe I should have. I couldn't believe the insensitivity. And I don't mean to judge the employees or the other patrons - I really don't. It just shocked me.

This shook me up as I paid for my service, I couldn't get the vision out of my head. I couldn't stop thinking about this lady. I proceeded down to the CVS and I saw her, sitting on a bench outside a bar. She seemed content and she had changed into a new pair of pants. I guess somewhere had let her use their facilities.

Needless to say, I won't be going back to that salon. It just doesn't feel right. I wanted to write them a letter, telling them they'd lost a patron over that whole ordeal. But no, there's no need. I'll just find another place, the prices are all the same around here anyways...

Am I being dramatic? High and mighty? I don't mean to be. Change is good sometimes anyway. And I hope that lady is doing ok...

"h&g"

2010-06-28T15:38:00.000-04:00

("Hi and goodbye.")

I heard it through the blog-vine (via Lovely Little Things) that one of the quintessential chick flicks is being turned into a musical!

With a great soundtrack like it has, I am sure it would be a great show!

Music for your Monday

2010-06-28T13:03:00.000-04:00

The Classic Vinyl station on Sirius XM Online has got me reminiscing about my pre-teen years when all of my friends were into whatever was playing on Q102 or Eagle106 (remember?) and all I wanted to do was steal my Mom and Dad's cassettes and listen to the likes of The Stones, Billy Joel, Elton John, and The Eagles. And don't even get me started on Rod. He's a whole 'nother story.

Love me some Classic Rock...

For your listening pleasure...some Steely Dan?

This song is my Mom's ringback tone - so when you call her phone, this is what you'll hear...

Perhaps I was a bit beyond my years...

Definitely a grateful Friday!

2010-06-25T10:52:00.000-04:00

Storms left a path of devastation all over our area last night. They were quick, lasting only 15 minutes or so, but way powerful. The trains out of the city shut down, so I had to find alternate transportation home - thank goodness for the Dish!

Thousands are without power. I am SO grateful that we didn't lose ours and I was able to enjoy the comforts of light, TV and - most importantly - the central air last night.

Here is some evidence of the craziness via my favorite news station's website.

Beautiful Release

2010-06-24T12:22:00.001-04:00

In the late 90's, Sarah McLachlan was like my bible. Listened to her religiously. Used her lyrics as my prayers. Attended Lilith Fair like a faithful follower. She spoke to me.

Joey was my high school boyf. I guess you could say he was my first love..although, I am a believer that every time you are 'in love', it's different - because it's with a different person. And hell, I was a different person then. The way I was in my relationship with Joey is vastly different than how I am with H. I mean, we're talking a ten year difference here. Jeez, I feel old.

Anyway, Sarah and I - we got through the break-up with Joey together. We went to retreat together, we graduated high school together. She was my girl.

Listening to Coffee House Live on Sirius XM Online (aka my new BFF) and Sarah is the artist this week. Taking me right back to 1999. What I'd give ...

Grillin'

2010-06-22T15:44:00.000-04:00

Nothing is more summer than the smell of a grill. I've been pushing, in the least pushiest way, to get one since the temps started rising. H loves to cook and we watch more food TV than we probably should. It made perfect sense to me! He was hesitant, but I think once we started looking and pricing, the idea became more appealing. He is a man, afterall.

One would assume that with H's slight hesitation, a modest grill would be what we were in the market for. Our search began that way, but certainly ended much differently! On Sunday, we spent an hour and a half in Home Depot and came home with this puppy. Yikes. It barely fits on the patio.

But - as I said - he's a man and he went big.

Our inaugural meal was last night. Lamb with veggie and potato skewers. I wish I had a recipe, but H never follows them. Actually, since Alton Brown is his hero, he did use this maranade.

It. Was. Amazing.

I cannot wait for more grilled dinners! Tonight, I am going to be daring (and conquer my fear of blowing up the patio) and grill up a burger and some more veggies. Perhaps an update tomorrow with my progress will be in order.

Happy Summer!

Happy Father's Day, Big Den.

2010-06-20T14:40:00.004-04:00

Five years ago, you left us on this day. Miss you more and more as time goes on.

Hope you had a great Dad's Day, wherever you are!

{dig the 'fro and the Dennis the Menace tat!}

525,600 Minutes

2010-05-26T15:45:00.009-04:00

How do you measure a year?

One year ago, I was work work working my Wednesday away, anticipating a date I had later that night with a guy who I'd met at a concert in '07 and ran into again at a wedding in May '09.

One year ago, my phone lit up with a text around 1 pm or so asking what kind of wine I liked to drink and what time I wanted to go to dinner. And was Italian ok?

One year ago, my trusty black cotton dress* was the outfit of choice because I felt most comfortable in it, relaxed.

One year ago, texting Jackie the entire time from my little apartment, I got ready and waiting for him to come pick me up.

One year ago, we sat across from each other at a cozy Italian BYO.

One year ago, I had no idea what to expect.

One year ago, I had no idea what I wanted.

One year ago, I had no idea what I needed.

One year ago, I had butterflies.

Today, I still do :)

* I am wearing the same dress today! When something works, I hang onto it ;)

{image via Le Love}

Here it is, the groove, slightly transformed...

2010-05-24T09:07:00.002-04:00

So yes, it is Monday morning at 9 am - 9:07 to be exact, and I am already planning the weekend. What of it?

Friday at 5 pm - or earlier, if the office closes early as we usually do at the brink of holiday weekends (fingers crossed!) - is the Official Start. Of. Summer!

I could not be more excited!

Plans include:

-sunning myself poolside, at the pool in our complex (!)

-a Memorial Day morning 5K walk

-celebrating a special 1 year anniversary with H

-a visit to this Farmer's Market. I am in the mood to attempt to make corn salsa...we shall see how that goes

-two BBQ's on Monday...one of them includes making recipes from this book!

-an extra day off on Tuesday!

Happy Summer!!

One Week!

2010-05-20T10:45:00.002-04:00

Can't Hardly Wait!

She said, He Said

2010-05-19T14:42:00.005-04:00

This is the first I am hearing of Andrew Gottlieb's answer to the recent chick-book best seller, Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love...I am admittedly intrigued. Tried getting into EPL but couldn't continue past Italy. Shocking, I know, that the chapter/country dedicated to eating was the most interesting to me. While Gilbert's writing is good and easy to ready, I found her kind of whiny.

It's a funny title, if nothing else!

Foodie.

2010-05-19T08:29:00.009-04:00

Funny, I was just thinking about this last night...how much I love to eat, how much I wish I could cook, how delighted I get when I actually throw something together that tastes halfway decent.

Then I saw Taza's post about food, her love of food, her love of bad food (me too!) and her new propensity for food blogs. She lists some faves and I will definitely be adding them to my reading list!

H works nights and so, most weeknights, I am left to my own devices in the kitchen. Sometimes, it's disasterous. Sometimes, it's McDonald's. And sometimes, it just works. A few weeks back I threw together a dish that I really enjoyed! I caramelized some onions and cooked sauteed them with some green peppers. At the same time, boiling whole wheat pasta. Then I added some red sauce, just a touch, to the veggies and some feta cheese. A little sour cream for its creaminess. I used some pre-packaged salmon as my protein and - presto! - a successful meal that was really good!

I took a picture of it and sent it to H. I have no idea why I do this. Maybe it's to prove that I can sometimes surprise myself in the kitchen. I take pictures of my food a lot. Evidence below.

Food Shot #1 - breakfast for dinner last night. Open face egg sandwich with pork roll and cheddar. Home fries with a bit of onion. Oh, and ketchup. Lots of it.

Food Shot #2 - the makings of a pizza I made for us as a late Saturday night snack a few weekends ago. Yes, lots of cheese. This was a Five Ingredient Fix recipe. Love that show.

Food Shot #3 - the concoction I described above, salmon and pasta with veggies.

What can I say, I guess I am an official foodie.

Keeping it Light...

2010-05-18T08:38:00.003-04:00

Thanks, Snoop.

{photo props to Me Against Them}

2010-05-17T10:11:00.001-04:00

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

~Sara Groves "Loving a Person"

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T10:53:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's Day, love you Mom xoxo

{image via those clever Truffle gals}

Friday-itis

2010-04-30T13:58:00.003-04:00

Senioritis, from the word senior plus the suffix -itis (which refers to inflammation but in colloquial speech is assumed to mean an illness), is a colloquial term used in the United States to describe the decreased motivation toward studies displayed by students who are nearing the end of their high school, college and graduate school careers.

Thank you my friend Wiki.

Every Friday afternoon, everyone gets a touch of this. This Friday, however, with the gorgeous sun and perfectly cool temperatures, it's absolutely brutal.

Happy Weekend!

Birfday fun

2010-04-01T08:53:00.007-04:00

This blog has been sorely neglected. I guess I've been busy. Happy busy, for sure.

Since my birthday is this Sunday, I thought a birthday meme would work.

Courtesy of fellow Aries, Katie!

How many birthdays have you celebrated so far?: This will be my 29th birthday. Wow, that sounds like a lot.

When is your next one coming up?: Sunday! Easter Sunday, to be exact. The last time my birthday fell on Easter, I don't necessarily remember it, but I am not sure how I feel about sharing my birthday with a holiday. Is that selfish?

If you could get anything, realistically speaking, what would you ask for?: Um, money? But who doesn't want that? And if I could be really cheesy for a second, I really wanted H to have off all weekend, and he does! So, I guess I got what I asked for :)

If you could ask for something magic or like superpowers, which kind?: Easy. A remote control for time.

Who do you want to be with during your birthdays?: Everyone I love!

How do you plan to celebrate your upcoming birthday?: We have the whole weekend! Starting with, well...last night actually. I mean, H was off last night and we went up to have dinner with my Mom. Tonight, he is off again and who knows what we will do! Tomorrow night, dinner with Jackie and my Mom and the delicious Clam Tavern. Then Saturday and Sunday are completely open! The only plans we've really talked about are going up to Ridley Creek State Park on Saturday morning and then a nice dinner on Saturday night. I almost feel a bit overwhelmed with possibilities of what to do, especially with such nice weather! Whatever we do, it will be great.

What was the worst present you ever got on a birthday?: Oh, I cannot even think of one, actually.

What was the worst birthday fiasco you ever had: Two years ago, I had a tough birthday week. A string of bad luck and unfortunate events made for an uneasy feeling on April 4th, but I made it through.

Did you ever purposely give someone a crappy gift?: Never!

Who would you never ever ever want to attend your birthday?: Oh again, I don't know. Isn't this supposed to be a happy time?!?!

What was the best birthday present you’ve ever received?: A surprise party and a book of letteres written to me by all of my friends and family. I think that was for my 25th.

What was the best birthday you’ve ever had?: Besides my 25th with the suprise party and book, my 21st was great too.

Why was it so great?: I was living in DC for school with five of my favorite girls and my Mom surprised me and came to visit! We had a cake, drinks and then she came out to the bars with us. It was so fun.

What is your fave birthday activity, even if you havent done it (yet)?: I love just allowing myself to be a little self-indulgent and selfish with attention.

Who would you love to come to your birthday to celebrate with you?: Easy, my Dad.

What did your family do to celebrate your birth?: When I was in grade school, my Mom would send me into school with Dunkin Donuts munchkins for the class and then bring me a Happy Meal from McDonald's for lunch. Parties and sleepovers with my friends...parties at the skating rink.

What happened for your sweet 16th birthday?: My Mom bought me a car! A powder blue Chevy Cavalier station wagon. She even put the big red bow on it!

Would you be okay with dying on your birthday?: I think I would...I feel like it would be strangely fitting.

{my 21st in DC!}

Channeling my inner beach...

2010-02-25T08:49:00.005-05:00

More snow?

Mother Nature, you've got to be kidding.

I'd rather be here...

Or here...

{the above two photos from my fantastic Cali trip in '08}

I'd rather be here...doing this...

{above, courtesy of a friend's Facebook Album...she wouldn't mind}

Think Spring!

Cork it.

2010-02-19T13:25:00.005-05:00

New. Blog. Obsession. Can't. Stop. Reading.

Head is swimming with ideas, ideals, tips, tricks...

What we need...

What we want...

What I want...

And here's the first. I know just the place for you. More to come.

{image via Art.com}

Hunkered Down.

2010-02-09T11:38:00.004-05:00

Oh, snow.

Philly was hammered this weekend with about two feet of the white stuff. It was beautiful (to me), as I had not one place to go. I was scheduled to work at Sam's on Saturday, but the restaurant was closed. I made a pot roast and mashed potatoes, had some fresh veggies and Trader Joe's hummus. Watched movies, did a little cleaning, napped...it was great.

And here we are, on Tuesday, and we are bracing for another foot tonight into tomorrow. Preemptive actions are being taken around the office for a possible closing tomorrow and, I have to admit, I am as excited as a kid in grade school...listening to that fuzzy KYW1060 broadcast...waiting, praying, WISHING, for that magic number to be called...

Ready to be snowed in again...got BBQ pulled pork in the crock pot, some whole wheat rolls, leftover pizza, a book to finish and another to start, more veggies, the lovely convenience of modern technology and NetFlix on Demmand. A wonderful thing.

So I can kiss you anytime I want.

2010-02-03T13:50:00.002-05:00

Watched Sweet Home Alabama last night...

Reece is so young in that flick...

and Josh Lucas is just too cute for words...

It made me want to live in a small town...

no big buildings...

no public transportation...

county fairs and dive bars...

home cooking...

so simple...

Happy Birthday Aunt Mar!

2010-02-02T16:30:00.002-05:00

{photo, circa 1981}

I love you and I hope you have a great day! xo

“Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, can keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend.”
~ Spanish Proverb

animal love.

2010-02-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

Even if you are not a true animal lover (which, admittedly, I am not) - you will absolutely love Interspecies Friends, a new addition to my daily reads. Although the posts don't appear to have many words, just more ooh and ahh-worthy pics.

It's complete cuteness overload.

{serious spoonage}

{this guy reminds me of Puff}

{not sure it could be any more adorable}

We have much to learn from these guys...

Confession.

2010-02-01T08:28:00.003-05:00

{image via PostSecret}

I always cheated.

Happy Monday, all.

So far, so good.

2010-01-28T14:33:00.002-05:00

How adorable is this little girl?

"Dont' worry Dad!"

"That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet."

2010-01-22T14:22:00.002-05:00

{image via i can read}

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Best. Movie. Ever. (Well, one of them.)

Happy Weekend!

100 Days of 100 Things

2010-01-21T14:58:00.004-05:00

Embarking on a new project for myself, and I thought I'd share...for accountability, mainly.

I stumbled across an interesting article and was drawn to it....thought I'd make a little project out of it.

"The List of 100 is a powerful technique you can use to generate ideas, clarify your thoughts, uncover hidden problems or get solutions to any specific questions you’re interested in."

So, in an effort to just write...to just put pen to paper, to create SOMETHING...

My first creative project...100 Days of 100 Things. I printed out the list at the bottom of the article and, before bed every night, I am going to chose an item at random and create a list.

Away we go...Day 1 is January 21, 2010. Day 100 ~~should~~ will be April 30, 2010.

"You've got a lot of cool pics here..."

2010-01-19T10:33:00.005-05:00

{Dedicated to Jacks...she'll miss 14-21 just as much as I will and only she will understand this...}

The only things left at the end of the move out...

Five bottles of Molson Canadian in the fridge and a (hysterical) maintenance receipt for a broken shower curtain.

{found in fridge, found in drawer}

Rain all day, and I don't mind.

2010-01-18T11:09:00.005-05:00

My (now, our) couch is big. It's over sized. You could get lost in it, or lose hours while laying there. It's huge. Good thing too...because yesterday, the whole world fit on it.

Our rainy Sunday was spent as Sundays should go...

...starting with a lazy morning in no rush to get up and do anything...next was errands, but I don't think running errands with your favorite person really qualifies as errands in the typical sense...we went to the grocery store and then to pick up laundry...then stopped for fast food since dinner wouldn't be for a few hours...the rain continued to beat the windows, we put the groceries away and started dinner...I was determined to make this Pot Roast...I watched it on the Food Network on Saturday...it looked so easy! And it was, not to mention delicious...the roast simmered and made the house smell awesome, we drank some Guinness and watched Man vs. Wild...Bear Grylls does things like willingly jumping into a freezing lake in the French Alps (to demonstrate how to get out, of course)...football...more beer...he made me a sandwich with leftovers for my lunch today...when I tried to get up around 7 pm to put the laundry away, I was summoned back to the couch, where I stayed for the rest of the night until going to bed at 10...

I can't wait to do it again next week.

"Can't you see that it's just rainin...
...Ain't no need to go outside..."

This is how I'd like to spend my weekend...

2010-01-15T15:21:00.001-05:00

{image via the pursuit of happyness)

Happy Weekend!

Pane

2010-01-11T10:52:00.001-05:00

I said goodbye to my first apartment this weekend. The first place that I could call my own. Not shared with a roommate, or five of them. Not squeezed into a tiny room in someone else's house. Not still at home, but let's face it...I'd give anything to live there again.

Although it was somewhat uncerimonious (I'd been essentially in the process of moving out for about two months now), with each box, bag or crate that went out the door and into the truck, I felt a little tug on the inside.

I kind of wandered in and out of each room, packing and organizing but paying close attention to every detail of the empty space.

Every little corner has some significance.
Every patch of carpet holds tons of memories.
Every piece of furniture has a story.

Time for new signficance, new memories and new stories.

As I waited for H to arrive in the morning with the rental truck, I started taking down my curtains from my living room windows. He pulled up in the truck and got out, approaching my apartment. I was instantly taken back six or seven months back when we were going on our first official date. As I sat there waiting for him, I had peeked out the same window, and watched him walk up the path.

So, here we are.

Goodbye 14-21 Valley Road!

In Vegas, we got...

2010-01-07T09:54:00.009-05:00

{We got silly drunk at The Wine Cellar in the our hotel, The Rio...}

{We got just plain silly at Madame Tussaud's...}

{We got fancy at Wolfgang Puck's Lupo in the Mandalay Bay...}

{And we got cozy on the Eiffel Tower at the Paris...}

And the sun came out today...

2009-12-09T15:53:00.003-05:00

What started as a dark, drenched Wednesday has become a beautiful afternoon.

{ image via icanread }

Happy Hump!

Is that all there is?

2009-12-04T15:33:00.001-05:00

Just because it's Friday, and it's my favorite episode...

"When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses and shouldn't throw stones. Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than BUTTERFLIES..."

Five Senses Friday

2009-12-04T10:05:00.004-05:00

(This will be a weekly repeat. Join me?)

hearing:
"Darling, we're everything..."

tasting:
Chilli's. I had a craving. We indulged it.

seeing:
progress in the moving effort!

feeling:
itchy eyes. I think I've developed allergies.

smelling:
Christmas trees! The lots are popping up, and we will go get ours this coming week!

He is real.

2009-12-03T08:50:00.002-05:00

Kiddie City bags. Left by the basement door. Found on Christmas morning.
This is how I discovered the truth. You know, the Big One. The Big Truth about the Big Guy.

I can't say I was shocked. I had been poking holes in the Santa theory on my own, silently, as I wanted to keep up the facade for Jenna. But I always wanted to believe. Even though, deep down I knew that it couldn't be possible - somewhere deeper down...I felt the magic.

The magic of going to bed on Christmas Eve and feeling like something really special was about to happen. The magic of waking up with butterflies. The magic of creeping down the stairs and seeing that, somehow, all of exactly what you wished for is right under the tree.

At 28, I almost still want to believe in Santa. Waking up on Christmas morning is vastly different these last few years. I usually sleep on the couch in my Mom's apartment. We sleepily open gifts and then decide who is showering first so that we can make it to breakfast on time. (We never do.) I predict that this coming Christmas morning will be even more different, as I will be waking up at my new home, with H.

Seeing this post brought back some of that magic though. Just a different kind.

Be the Santa in you.

And this is why...

2009-11-30T15:09:00.011-05:00

He watches Sex and the City with me, without complaint, whenever it's on. In an attempt to show his interest, he referred to Mr. Big as "Mr. Large". We both really laughed.

He makes me feel safe, taken care of.

We met at a John Mayer concert. Need I say more?

He is the most selfless person I know.

The way his face softens when he talks about his Mom.

He's seen Les Misérables 26 times. He introduced me to Rent and stopped it every 30 seconds to explain something, narrate or point out some quirky, unknown fact. And now I cannot stop listening to the Rent station on Pandora.

He will drop everything to help out anyone in need, at any given time.

He is insanely hard-working.

He still has the same smile that he did when he was little (I've seen pictures).

He knows things...random stuff, important stuff, stuff about money and cars, and credit, and bills. Stuff that I don't know.

I can't think about him without smiling.

Any problem or quandry I am faced with is automatically his issue. And he doesn't stop until it's resolved...from my totaled car to work stuff to finding the perfect Christmas gift for my Mom, he takes it on, figures it out and all while maintaining complete and utter calm.

His love for his family and friends.

We have fun no matter what we do.

When he laughs really hard, he slams his palm down on the surface in front of him. It's childlike and carefree.

He adds to this list every day and doesn't even know it.

{us at Tony's}

I love him. And this is why.

Thanks so much.

2009-11-24T15:15:00.010-05:00

"One single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer. " ~ G. E. Lessing

My contribution to project :: thankful by Marta....

So many things to be thankful for this year (and every year)...

my health, waking up every day and feeling good, even when I am exhausted, still feeling physically well

having people around me who love me and support me and stand behind me in my decisions

reruns of Grey's on Lifetime

H, his selflessness, sincerity, and huge huge heart

the quiet car on the train

being able to check in with people I don't get to see too often on Facebook

new adventures and experiences

my college roommates and their little girls

Christmas traditions, new and old

my family, complete with dysfunction

a warm bed (with a heated matress!)

my friends, every single one of them

clarity

Happy Thanksgiving!

Five Senses Friday

2009-11-20T08:17:00.006-05:00

(This will be a weekly repeat. Join me?)

hearing:

Well, I can tell you what I'm not hearing these days...my alarm!

tasting:

crab legs, for the first time!

seeing:

John Mayer, live at the Beacon Theatre in NYC!

feeling:

loved. a lot.

smelling:

a new car smell, compliments of my new Jeep Liberty. Her name is Lucky.

{hello, Lucky...I love you}

Five Senses Friday

2009-11-13T08:58:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I steal ideas from other blogs...

(This will be a weekly repeat. Join me?)

hearing:

homemade burned CDs, including:
Lost Songs and Walk the Line - David Gray
19 - Adele
Turnstiles - Billy Joel
Trouble - Ray Lamontagne

tasting:
Penne a la Vodka and an after midnight Guinness

seeing:
Fa La La La Lifetime promos. If that isn't a sign of Christmas coming, I don't know what is.

feeling:
unusually warm evening air when getting off the train

smelling:
my new three-wick candle from Pier One

One Last Look...

2009-11-11T14:40:00.005-05:00

"I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps."

2009-11-11T12:58:00.006-05:00

This morning, I said goodbye to an old friend. A friend who has seen me through four years, two accidents, many many laughs, a hike up to Boston, about 40,000 miles, a few shore trips and a tire blowout on the 42 freeway (read about it here, if you fancy).

Justina named her Adrian last year, after she was rear-ended by a drunk driver and pushed into a Ford Focus, causing her to look like an accordion rendering her undriveable for oh, about seven months due to an unfortunate (lack of) insurance situation. She sat at a body shop in Darby just waiting for me to get enough money to go pick her up. And, when I finally had the money, she wasn't ready. Oh, the bad decisions I've made. I definitely do not have the best luck with cars.

Back to my silver/grey girl. Last Tuesday morning, I decided to stay home from work as I wasn't feeling too hot. I ran out at about 10 am to get some Tylenol Cold and Sinus (aka the wonder drug) and McDonald's breakfast. While heading down Burmont back to my little nest, Adrian and I were hit by a white panel van who was trying to cross over Burmont. While the driver did stop, he essentially didn't obey the Stop Sign Rules as he proceeded through the intersection without checking to make sure it was clear.

My first thought - "thank God I have insurance." What a difference a year makes.

I called 911 (that is a lie. I called my boyfriend, H, first as he is a 911 dispatcher and then he instructed me to call 911. He wasn't working at the time. I guess it was just a reflex. I knew that he would tell me what to do. And calm me down.) and the police came. The driver of the van was very apologetic and nice. We exchanged information and insurance policies. H showed up and called a tow truck to come get the car. We went down to the body shop and got me into a rental car in no time. A week later, she was declared a total loss by the insurance company.

A total loss - this sounds so negative and sad. It is actually the opposite. I am getting reimbursed for the value of Adrian, which is way over what I owe on my loan.

A fortunate misfortune. Props, Jack.

What November means to me...

2009-11-06T10:44:00.002-05:00

Remembering the first full break from college...

Crispy brown leaves...

Chilly air...(and refusing to stop wearing flip flops)...

The smell of a chimney...

Early signs of Christmas (and I love it)...

Perhaps the most November-y thing of all is Thanksgiving of course...and nothing is more Thanksgiving-y to me than the Woody Allen flick Hannah and Her Sisters. Caught it last week on cable....divine.

"nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands..."

A taste of the theme song...

Where I'm From

2009-10-19T15:22:00.003-04:00

Inspiration via Finn.

I am from paper plates and newspapers, from Turkey Hill Ice Cream and cans of Pepsi.
I am from the white, bright, always smells like a cigarette and perfume.
I am from the eucalyptus, the sun creeping through watery windows, the wreath on the door, all seasons.
I am from Christmas morning hotel breakfasts and wet eyes from Mom and Babe, and the Gormley's and the Bichetti's.
I am from loud, loud laughter and I am from addiction.
From catching a cold with a wet head of hair and catching a cold from wearing coats indoors.
I am from crucifixes over the doorways and Mass on all holidays and some Sundays.
I am from suburban Philadelphia and the 50/50 split between Italy and Ireland, from roasted garlic-y peppers and pizzelles and baked potatoes with A1 sauce and Chicken Divan.
From wiping crumbs from the kitchen table onto the floor and calling it clean.
From locking all the doors, and he slept on the deck.
I am from decorative boxes covered in pretty green ivy that matches the walls in the breakfast room and four thin, discolored albums and one big, white one with gold trim. I am from the frames lined up on the shelves on the porch. I am from the surviving items not destroyed by the flood. I am from everything not destroyed.

I am not crazy.

2009-10-13T13:44:00.005-04:00

I am not.

I am not one of those wedding crazed girls. I have not been, a la Monica Geller, planning my wedding since my tween years. Or before.

See below - terrible quality, though.

Still, I cannot help but be addicted to sites like this and this and this. And don't even get me started on the adorable wedding of Joanna Goddard of A Cup Of Jo. She is posting wedding pics all week and I am following religiously.

Maybe it's because I am in love (!). More on this when I can perfectly capture everything I am feeling (good luck with that).

But I am not crazy.

(I hope he doesn't read this.)

"These are the days it never rains but it pours..."

2009-09-21T16:39:00.002-04:00

**This is a post I wrote for a work blog. Call it recycling. It's Monday.**

Leave it to Queen to so perfectly pinpoint what a typical day might sometimes feel like, here on the 28th floor of 1818 Market.

And who doesn't love Queen?

It is more than safe to say that we operate under high, and sometimes extremely high, pressure circumstances here at Richardson. Collectively, we thrive on it and it is what keeps us on our toes. At lightening speeds, we move through the day, multi-tasking and following-up. And although sometimes we may leave in the evening feeling like we've just run though quicksand - exerting tons of energy but not really moving anywhere - great progress is made here. Every single day.

Pressure is not only a familiar feeling for us, but one that we should be aware of, as a company. Personally, I have been realizing lately that a lot of the pressure I feel is self-imposed. Deadlines, projects and clients are nothing compared to what is going on in my head most days. I wonder if I am alone in this category and, knowing most of the team for the better part of three years, I have a feeling I am in (good) company.

Imagine someone hands you an exceedingly heavy suitcase and asks you to carry it for them. It is huge, awkward and more than you alone can handle. Would you grab another one and pile that on top as well?

You'd set it down and make a dash for the nearest pal to help you out. You'd look eagerly for one of those handy airport carts and throw the suitcase in there. You'd find some creative way to balance out the weight.

I think of this analogy (shared with me by phone coach, Patti Clark) every single day and the e-mails appear in my inbox and the suitcases pile on. Instead of applying extra pressure on myself, I try to look for little tactics to better support myself and balance out the weight, both in the office and at home. Undoubtedly, these tactics will look different for each and every one of us.

For me, it's getting out in the Center City air for at least 15 minutes a day, at least eight hours of sleep a night and a light-hearted e-mail exchange with my college roomates.

And, of course, some Queen...

Exactly.

2009-09-17T16:45:00.002-04:00

Beauty in the breakdown

2009-09-11T12:11:00.009-04:00

Always, always laughing...

2009-09-09T15:03:00.006-04:00

When I was younger, everytime I (or anyone) would ask my Mom how old she was, she'd say 29. She was 29 for all of my young life. Apparently, she thinks it's a good age.

Frankly, it scares me a little bit. But this isn't about me.

Yesterday, one of my bestest best girlfriends turned 29. Miss Kerry Dwyer. My favorite little Bostonian. A person who can make me laugh with, literally, just one word. Any word. Or even a letter, as she speaks in code and abbreviations quite often. Even just one of her little sounds will send me into stomach burning, tears streaming down my face hysterics. For a good fifteen minutes.

We talked briefly last night and tried to run through the usual life updates (family, boyfriends, work, girly stuff, etc.) and catch up on each other, all while hearing about her weekend and her birthday plans. We've gotten pretty good at cramming all of the goof stuff into a 15 or 20 minute phone call. Plus, we always have Facebook to keep tabs.

Apparently, 29 was a good year for my Mom, as she kept going back to it. After talking to Ker last night and hearing her smile through the phone, I am pretty sure 29 is going to be great for her too.

Happy birthday Kerry Elizabeth Dwyer! I cannot remember a time we were together when we weren't cracking up! (Case in point, the above picture. We may or may not have indulged in some mood enhancing...materials. Hey, it was college!)

Oh, Bob...

2009-09-04T13:36:00.001-04:00

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

Bob Marley

Hey Blue, there is a song for you...

2009-09-04T12:14:00.003-04:00

On Monday, as I left work early for the Reading Phillies game, I swear - I never saw the sky this blue.

Refreshing and beautiful.

Happy Weekend!

Check boxes.

2009-09-03T16:46:00.005-04:00

New look - check.

Hoping to inspire - check.

Hoping for a shake up - check.

Oh, and I love this - check.

We're all mad here.

2009-08-25T15:26:00.004-04:00

This week, I've officially fallen down the Rabbit-Hole. And it is only Tuesday.

I can't remember the last time, or if ever, I've had an anxiety attack, an official anxiety attack. What a disconcerting experience. To lose complete control, of your body and your mind. To not be able to see your way out. To feel like it is never going to end. To cry uncontrollably. To be unable to sit still or think about anything besides what is going on. And why.

It's the 'why' that gets me. I left work last Friday and - come on, it was FRIDAY. Is there anyone leaving work, leaving the city, on a Friday around 5ish who isn't in a great mood? On the train I get, and I'm riding riding riding...approaching my station and I start to shake. The shaking started on the inside and worked its way out. By the time I got to my car, I had to sit on my hands to stop them from spastically flying around. I couldn't even change the radio stations.

Logically, I couldn't find any explanation. At first, I didn't even know what was going on. After talking to Jackie, she confirmed it - anxiety. "It feels like my entire body is having restless leg syndrome." Yeah - anxiety.

But why? WhyWhyWhy. I will keep going back to why. I have all of your normal, late 20something worries. There is nothing standout that is going wrong or sour or downhill.

It's, quite literally, driving me crazy. The anxiety is feeding off of itself and festering in my head. It is causing me to make mountains out of teeny, tiny molehills. Then, the sequence repeats itself in an unending, emotional crash-and-burn that usually ends in some sort of fast food. Last night, it was Wendy's.

Instinctually, I want to fix things within myself. I want to get to the root of the issue, make it better and move on. It is proving difficult, thus far. Maybe I am not supposed to. Perhaps this is a lesson to me that everything has a cut-and-dry answer.

I cannot figure out Wonderland. I've decided to stop trying and keep falling.

So Purdy...

2009-08-19T10:57:00.001-04:00

Surgery, by Joe Purdy

I can’t wait for the weekend
Like I can’t wait for you
I can’t wait for the weekend
‘Cuz I can’t wait for you

Goin’ down
No, I won’t be long
Goin’ down
In a minute I’ll be strong
For you, yeah

Well I’ve been thinking all day
Thinking things should change
Honey, I don’t want you different
But you know I can’t stay the same
Goin’ down
No, I won’t be long
Goin’ down In a minute I’ll be strong
For you, yeahStrong
For you, yeah

Well I can’t stop these feelings
From running around my brain
But I won’t mind tonight
When you’re in my arms again
No, I won’t mind tonight
When you’re in my arms again

Goin’ down
No, I won’t be long
Goin’ down, down, down, down
In a minute I’ll be
Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong
For you, yeah
Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong
For you, yeah
For you, yeah
For you, yeah

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” ― Maya Angelou

2009-08-10T10:20:00.012-04:00

One year ago, I headed west for the best trip of my life thus far - California. I still find myself looking through the pictures. The wedding was one of the best I've been to, and I've been to more than my share! My desktop image is from the beach in Laguna. I met the late, great Harry the K in San Diego. In Hermosa, I spent a lot of time by myself and just wandering around. It is a time I will continue to relive.

This summer, I've been traveling a lot for work, which is vastly different for obvious reasons. In the last few months, I've been to San Jose, San Francisco, New York and Boston. I was slated for another San Fran trip - but I am not sure that is going to happen now. Planes and trains, day trips to NYC, huge hotel rooms just for me, expenses, long term parking and getting changed out of my suit in bathrooms at the airport...it's all new to me, and so so exciting.

Taking off and landing. Checking in and checking out. Coming and going.

Always coming back to one place - home.

Home is not where I push my key in the door and throw down my stuff. Home is not my apartment. Home is not my Mom's apartment. Home is not where I sleep. I'm fairly certain that I haven't truly felt at home - in the typical sense - since we moved out of Darby a few years back. It used to make me sad, but that is quickly changing.

"You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

-Garden State

I am finding home in small spaces and minutes in my day.

I am finding home in a song, or a line of a song, or a note.

I am finding home in the people I love, and am learning to love.

I am finding home in myself.

Happy 4th!

2009-07-04T10:52:00.001-04:00

Hope you see fireworks. I am :)

Life is good.

2009-06-07T12:59:00.002-04:00

Posting. writing and creating has eluded me lately. This isn't great news, as writing fulfils me and - when I click on that 'publish post' button down there - I feel alive.

Luckily, other things have been contributing to my aliveness (yes, it's a word...it's my word) and I am embracing those.

A sample? Sure, why not...

-work. It's busy, stressful, scary, changing - but all exciting and I'm rolling with it.

-my shrinking waistline. I'm down about 16 pounds and loving how I feel.

-trying new recipes and foods.

-sleeping with the windows open.

-reading other people's blogs! Found so many good ones lately!

-Facebook. Obvi.

-Sam's.

-a new friend :)

-getting some sun, but not too much.

-red wine.

-making plans for the summer.

-Shannah's wedding video

-long, long, long e-mails with Just.

-Real Housewives of New Jersey.

-Barenaked Ladies...listening to them a lot in my car. On my iPod, I am obsessed with these three songs and they are on repeat. Don't ask me why..."Another Kind of Green" (Mayer), "Mandolin Wind" (new fave Rod song, beautiful) and "Summer, Highland Falls" (a rare Billy Joel track).

Life is very, very good.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

2009-05-10T22:36:00.003-04:00

Probably my most favorite picture. Reminds me of a simpler time.

Happy-ness

2009-04-29T16:32:00.002-04:00

Happiness is...
...getting my Self magazine each month.
...buying a birthday present for Jack and realizing it's his favorite new toy.
...looking up between the buildings in Center City and seeing a cloudless blue morning sky.
...clarity. In any way, shape or form.
...Thursday night TV.

There's more - there's so much more that makes me happy - but I am running around this week and trying to keep my life together...I'll be back soon, though.

Promise.

Red Ross

2009-03-25T20:43:00.005-04:00

I loved the way the trunk popped open so gently. And quietly. And the way the buttons on the radio had never been touched before me. No one else owned it. It was all mine. Oh and the smell. The smell, the smell, the smell. The pristine carpets. There wasn't anywhere I didn't want to go while I was in it. It could make me instantly happy.

It was the first car I ever bought myself. A 200something Toyota Corolla - fire engine red. Like many decisions I make, I rushed into buying it. I did a minimal amount of research, got myself down to Center City Toyota and bought it. Driving home on Walnut (or whichever 'nut' street leads out of the city..), I was in love. Trish named her, after a F*R*I*E*N*D*S episode, naturally.

It was 2004 and I had been out of college for just about a year. Working at V-SPAN in King of Prussia and drinking most of my pay on most weekends. And Thursday nights. And sometimes all day Sunday. I know. I too cringe at the thought of the money, time and brain power - all gone as a result. But we live and learn, right?

And learn, I sure did. I lost control, plain and simple. I was trying to make it into work each day at six am, but I (some nights) wasn't home until after three. Things were changing at work, I was offered a new job that sounded oh-so-perfect and (again, hastily) accepted it. I couldn't keep up with myself and, before I knew it, I - quite literally - crashed.

In one terrible decision on a December night, I managed to total my brand new car, self-inflict massive amounts of guilt and shame, and place myself in a category I'd never envisioned I'd be in.

I miss the car and what it represented for me. But would I go back and change things?

Some mistakes are made in indelible ink. Those are undoubtedly the most important.

Everything you didn't want to know, and more...

2009-01-29T15:18:00.012-05:00

1.) I still tie my shoes using the bunny ear method.

2.) I wish I had brothers. Or even just one.

3.) Music is many things to me. It is an addiction, sometimes slightly compulsive. It is my sanity and my motivation, especially at work. It is my friend; it makes me cry, think and reflect.

4.) My first best friend and I were due to be born on the same day, St. Patty’s. She was late (Mar 23rd) and I was later (April 4th).

5.) Almost every day, I think of a new hobby I’d like to take up, meal I’d like to cook (and eat), place I’d like to travel or skill I’d like to acquire. I have a very long life to-do list.

6.) I will always prefer the driver seat to the passenger seat.

7.) Movies that most people would consider “good” often bore me. I fell asleep during “The
Passion of Christ”. Meanwhile, I’ll watch “Mrs. Doubtfire” whenever it’s on. Go figure.

8.) My middle name is Denise, after my Dad. My first name was supposed to be April, after the month I was born in. April Gormley? Good call, Mom.

9.) I have really high expectations, of myself and others. I’m working on managing them.

10.) I need noise when I sleep – I sleep with a huge box fan on every night. Sound machines just don’t cut it.

11.) Exercising isn’t something that I would say I love to do. But I try to do it anyway. ‘Try’ being the operative word there.

12.) In 2004, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. It hasn’t been fun, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and my body, and it’s made me stronger.

13.) It took me about three weeks to write this entire list.

14.) I love to waitress. I secretly want to be in the hospitality industry, but I don’t think I would like the hours. I’ve worked at the same restaurant - Sam's - for 12 years and I don’t think I will ever leave.

15.) In my old journals, I have tons and tons of accounts of various trips, nights out, dances, etc. Anything I wanted to remember, I just started writing about it. I secretly think its part of the reason I remember so much, about everything.

16.) I feel very different from the person I was in college, but those four years were some of the best in my life.

17.) In one year, I saw all three of my top favorite artists (at the time) in concert – Rod Stewart, Kenny Chesney, and John Mayer. They are all still very high on my list, but I have tons of others too.

18.) Regrets are not something I have many of, but the ones I do have are deep and they all have to do with my Dad.

19.) I love Center City. I love coming into it every day, on the train and seeing all of the different people – rushing around and experiencing their days. I also love leaving it everyday and retiring to the suburbs.

20.) My Mom named Jenna and I after characters in Dynasty (or was it Dallas?).

21.) Any interest in or affection for any sport is from my Dad. Football and baseball, specifically.

22.) I don’t like to talk about religion or politics at work. There is always a fear of offending people and that’s no fun.

23.) My ultimate comfort food, again, is from my Dad. Two eggs made over easy. Pour ketchup all over them, I mean lots of ketchup. Then break the yolks and mix them with the ketchup. You are probably disgusted in reading this right now, but I swear to you – it is one of my favorite meals. Add some white toast and milk – perfection on a plate.

24.) Boston is one of my favorite places to travel. I almost moved there in 2005 and I still think about actually doing it.

25.) I have frequent, and sometimes very strong, cravings for the following things: bacon cheese fries, Puff, a long conversation with a good friend, wine, the movie The Wizard of Oz, my Mom's bed, a cold Stella from the Trophy, a trip to TJMaxx and Billy Joel. I usually indulge them.

26.) The beach is my happy place. I live for the sand in my toes and salty, sun-burned skin.

27.) My hands wrinkle at the slightest sign of moisture. In the shower, sure - everyone's hands get all wrinkly. Mine are extreme - if I am drinking a cold drink and the glass is sweating, forget it!

28.) I wouldn't say I am into fashion, but - over the past year or so - I've been paying more attention to the pieces I buy and have become more interested in different colors, styles, etc. All thanks to Justina :)

29.) I believe that everyone should live alone for one year of their life.

30.) I'm really into food.

31.) I start listening to Christmas music right around the beginning of November. Yes, I am one of those people.

32.) I love the name James - for a boy or a girl.

33.) I will often times find myself getting super emotional about how much I love my friends. It overwhelms me.

34.) It is annoying me that most of my 'things' are starting with "I". How self-centered am I?

35.) Vocabulary is super exciting to me.

36.) If my Dad were still around, I would have wanted to dance with him at my wedding to "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney and Wings.

37.) I have two dream jobs: a food critic for a magazine or the person who chooses the music for the MTV reality shows like The Real World.

38.) My nose bleeds when I am stressed out. Gross.

39.) I think it is pretty incredible to me that, at the end of the night at Sam's and we're all saying goodbye to each other, everyone hugs, kisses and there are lots of "I love you's" exchanged. And I really do love a lot of them.

40.) My Grandmom gives me all of her old jewelry and I love that.

41.) I'd love to drive cross country someday.

42.) My Mom dressed me up as Madonna for Halloween one year. I was like 7. That same year, Jenna was a Playboy bunny.

43.) I can still do cartwheels.

44.) My favorite number is 44.

45.) I love doing the crossword puzzle in People Magazine.

46.) I love Frank Sinatra, Steve Tyrell, Dean Martin, Bobby Darrin, and all of the other old stuff they play at Sam's.

47.) Mint chocolate chip ice cream has the power to instantly cheer me up.

48.) I am convinced that Jenna and I are fundamentally the same and fundamentally different. I am not even sure I know what I mean.

49.) The first concert I ever attended was Michael Jackson, when I was like three, with my Dad. I fell asleep on his shoulder.

50.) You will never find a fake tree in my apartment, house, condo, town home - wherever I live. Christmas isn't Christmas without the smell of the tree.

51.) I wish I never got tattoos. I want to start over.

52.) My major in college was basically watching movies and writing about them.

53.) My mornings are better because of the Preston and Steve show.

54.) Amazing Grace makes me cry. Every. Single. Time.

55.) My first job was answering the phones and the door at the BVM Rectory. I also helped the cook named Bernie to make and serve dinner for the priests.

56.) I scrutinize my e-mails, even the ones I write to my friends.

57.) I don't fantasize about the details of my wedding nearly as much as I fantasize about who I will marry. In fact, I think the only thing I ever decided on was number 36.

58.) Kids were always fun, I did the babysitting/nanny thing, and - sure, babies are cute. But when Jack was born, I fell in love. Charlie came along - more love. And now I can't wait to get to know Cole.

59.) My favorite magazine is Self.

60.) I cannot sleep with socks on. On the rare occasion that they are on when I fall asleep, they're off by the morning.

61.) I love to send and receive handwritten cards and letters.

62.) I should buy more fresh flowers.

63.) I miss living with five other girls.

64.) Tuna is my favorite sandwich.

65.) I hate wearing jeans.

66.) If I am not in bed (and asleep) by 10 pm, I get annoyed. Mostly at myself.

67.) My Mom, Jenna and I all wear the same shoe size.

68.) Not many things make me anxious, but two things that do are ordering lunch at the ChickFilA in Liberty Place and New York City.

69.) I really laugh at almost every episode of The Office. I mean, really laugh. I am watching right now and cracking up.

70.) I'd rather text than talk on the phone, most of the time. And I am a really fast texter.

71.) I don't drink coffee, but I kinda wish I did.

72.) I love my Acura, but I really want to own a pick up truck.

73.) Aries is my sign, and I read my horoscope pretty frequently. But I don't think I am true Aries.

74.) A trip to CVS will usually cost me at least 30 bucks.

75.) One of my favorite things to do is make a CD for someone. I love giving them as gifts.

76.) My lifetime goal is to write a book, but I get in my own way.

77.) I keep notes in my cell phone at all times, using the notepad function. In fact, many of these little facts were stored in there before they ended up on this blog.

78.) I've never broken a bone.

79.) I can't drive without my seatbelt on. It just doesn't feel right.

80.) In college, three of my roommates and I were held up at gunpoint outside of our house. It was one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me, but it made me more aware of my surroundings.

81.) I love America's Next Top Model, but I hate Tyra Banks.

82.) I love a good wedding.

83.) Writing my Dad's eulogy was both the easiest and hardest thing I've ever done.

84.) I've never met a rollercoaster I wouldn't go on.

85.) I hate the fact that I have some pretty bad road rage.

86.) Happiness=driving into Sea Isle City.

87.) I could spend an entire Saturday in thrift stores and consignment shops.

88.) I don't like onions unless they're cooked.

89.) I prefer being called "Kris".

90.) Shoveling snow is something I miss. It reminds me of living in Darby.

91.) Completely inappropriate humor is sometimes the best kind.

92.) I live for Saturday mornings.

93.) One of my indulgences is a manicure twice a month. I mostly do it because I cannot file my own nails.

94.) I am huge American Idol nerd. I often cry when watching it.

95.) I am 100% inspired by Racheal Ray.

96.) Peanut butter is only good in a PB&J sandwich on the beach. Otherwise, I'll pass.

97.) I check PostSecret.com every Sunday and fantasize about sending a secret in.

98.) Knowing any of the answers on Jeopardy! excites me.

99.) Visiting California last year was one of the best experiences of my life. So far.

100.) I always try to do my best.

...take care to appear happy, and especially to be so.

2008-12-08T13:28:00.004-05:00

This morning, someone at work told me that I looked 'unusually happy' today. It was a nice thing to hear, especially on this exceedingly frigid Monday after a weekend filled with one wedding (last one of the year!), one night at Sam's and not much sleep. Just the comment itself elevated my mood even more and sort of kept me going today.

Truth be told, I am happy. For the past few weeks, I've been in a permanent good mood. Thanksgiving came and went and I felt truly, truly grateful. Everything seems to naturally have a positive spin on it. The holidays are coming and I am loving the season already. I love the songs, the lights, the TV shows - even the weather. It's my favorite time of year.

I have my car back. But not just my car, I have my freedom back. I feel like I am 16 all over again. I can do the things that I've been wanting to do and was forced to put off all this time. I am going to start volunteering at either Divine Providence with Trish or Mothers' Home in Darby. Or both. I am still working out the details. I want to find a place that feels right.

Sam's! I can work there and supplement my Richardson paycheck. And, if you know me at all, you know that Sam's is not just a job to me. It is not just a restaurant or a place that I go to make money. Sam's is a home to me, as are all of the people. Going there doesn't even feel like work. Really, can a person ask for anything more?

Eight months was a long time to be stuck in a holding pattern. That's what it felt like anyway. Some severe peaks and valleys and a lot of learning.

I finally feel like Kristen again. And, apparently, I look like her as well.

Wedding Hangover

2008-11-09T17:33:00.006-05:00

This is the part of being in a wedding, the only part, that I really dislike. The day after. The day after the party. The day after the beautiful ceremony. The day after the hair and the make up and the shoes. Oh, and the dresses. They day after the one day that you've been planning for and looking forward to for a good while. The day after you watch one of your best friends go through an entire range of emotions and you get to bear witness as she does.

I find it kind of depressing.

When any big event or memorable day passes, I get a little sad. Christmas night rolls around and, all of a sudden, it feels like Christmas never even happened. April 5th? Never a fun day... But at least with these occasions, we get to do them all over again in another year.

Such is not the case with weddings. Weddings are once in a lifetime. The ones I've been in and attended this year have been some pretty great ones. I never want them to end and they fly by so quickly. I look at the pictures over and over to relive them. And then, in a few months, I usually get to do it all again!

As my big year of weddings comes to an end, I feel like a lucky girl. Lucky to have attended so many, lucky to have so many friends and, further, so many friends who are happily making joining their life with another's. Lucky indeed.

In serious need of Halloween candy...

2008-10-24T10:11:00.005-04:00

And not the crappy, bottom of the pumpkin bucket kind. No Smarties. No Dum Dum lollipops. I want the good stuff. The fun size Nestle Crunch and Kit Kat Bars. And some Milky Ways too. Thanks.

This blog has no point. No message or story. No inspiration. It is your typical, so-don't-feel-like-working, Friday, the Phillies-better-step-it-up-and-start-hitting, (finally) cold day in October ramble. Completely random.

This week has been long and exhausting. Despite my attempts to get to bed by 9 pm (yes, I am offiicially elderly) on Monday and Tuesday nights to prepare my body for the World Series games, I still woke up (late) this morning and could barely sit up in bed. Friday took forever to get here. I am really sick of coding HTML - my eyes are shot by the end of the day.

Before I get even more whiny...

Super psyched for the Phillies. It is so fun to watch the games, the coverage, the fans. It's great for the city and a long time coming. I hope tomorrow's game doesn't get rained out and I hope that Moyer can keep the Rays from putting a lot of runs up.

I saw some crazy shit on SEPTA this week. I saw a short, scrawny, white-haired man punch a woman in the back yesterday morning. In the 15th street/City Hall EL station, a man came down from the escalator and threw all of his weight into a punch that hit the woman square in the back. She was just rushing to work in her sneakers, carrying her heels in her bag, like the rest of us. I don't think he had a reason and I doubt he needed one. She stopped, startled, just for a moment and kept walking - which, I realize, was probably smart. I am not sure what I'd do in that situation. Then, yesterday's journey home brought another odd circumstance. While on the trolley, pulling out of the berth at 69th street, I saw a relatively young guy with his pants around his ankles getting arrested while his blonde girlfriend was sobbing and pleading to the cops. I have no idea what any of it was about, but it was your typical train wreck. My fellow 101 trolley passengers and I couldn't look away.

I am anxiously awaiting the return of my sanity. My sanity, in the shape of a little silver slice of heaven - my car. The end is in sight and I think I am going to be getting it back within the next two weeks or so. It has been a long six months.

I think I need some new music in my life. I heard Kings of Leon on 9.33WMMR this morning and was pretty into "Sex on Fire". I also heard a new Brett Dennen song on Grey's last week and am pretty obsessed. "Ain't Gonna Lose You" - check it out.

My morning of procrastination has come to a screeching halt - duty calls.

I'm still waiting for my candy.

"Summer stole what fall replaces..."

2008-09-11T08:38:00.005-04:00

Seven years after the day the world changed forever...

In remembering 9/11, I have very few words. Just songs, thoughts, pictures, ideas, memories and this tribute to a very good friend of mine's Uncle...

Bill

2008-08-28T12:25:00.004-04:00

There are few memories stored in my head of my MomMom Jean that exist without Bill. He has been in the picture for as long as we can remember. Our grandfather he was not, but he was essentially her other half - for the better part of 22 years. Or maybe more. It is hard to say, as they've always been inextricably wound together for such a big chunk of all of our lives.

He was commonly mistaken for her husband, my grand pop, etc. - but he took the title in stride.

"Surrogate grandfather.", he'd politely correct, as he sat at the bar at Sam's Saloon, where I've worked for the better part of 10 years or so. It is MomMom's and Bill's 'Cheer's', complete with their designated bar stools and where everyone undoubtedly knows their names. She got me the job there, when I was about 15. I never really left, and neither have they.

Until now. Bill passed away on Monday, Aug 25th in his apartment in Mercy Court - another place they shared, although they lived in different units on opposite sides of the building. MomMom was downstairs in the parking lot, waiting for him at the car to go to the Giant.

It seemed as if she was always waiting for him. Bill moved a little slower than the rest of the world. He talked a bit slower - with deliberate caution - as if he was hand-picking his words and placing them delicately into sentences. Perhaps it was spending so much of his life wth my grand mother, the life of the party, perpetually on the move. Together, they created a balanced pair.

At Sam's, you can find Jean circling the bar all evening, chatting it up to anyone and everyone. Bill hung back, seated in his stool, observing. I always thought he'd rather be home watching the Phillies game. I think I was right.

Baseball was a topic that, if you got him started on it, he'd talk for hours. Bill was a pitcher in the minor league and almost made it to the pros. He'd met many a famous sports figure in his day. You could tell he loved it, his passion and fondness for the sport spilled over into every conversation.

Bill's family is saying goodbye to him, privately, today. I'd never met any of his family until Monday, when I was introduced to his two sons. It was strange to meet the immediate family of someone who has always been a part of ours. Hopefully, they know what he was to us and what role he played in each of our lives.

Bill was kind, even-tempered and patient; he loved his sports and his newspapers. He came to every family function and birthday and he was there when things weren't so easy. He was a part of us, and we'll miss him.

Phenomenal.

2008-08-17T10:45:00.003-04:00

I rarely use that word.

But I find it keeps popping into my head as I think back to last night, the wedding, the reason we are all here. From the food to the views to the dancing...words really do not even begin to describe it.

But phenomenal almost fits. Jason and Mary's Califorinia happiness spilled over onto everyone. Ear to ear smiles and tears were the theme, truly.

Some pics before I head to San Diego with Dana. I have about 100 pics of just the wedding, glad I brought my charger and glad I can upload to make room on my memory card!

Joanne and I waiting for the shuttle. I actually just like this picture of myself. What can I say - I am more vain on vacation.

The view from the reception. Wow.

Oh, I love this pic. Jay and Greg after Greg's sincerely touching speech. Not a dry eye in the house, as even Greg himself really choked up. Beautiful.

Such a cute idea for the tables - they all represented significant places in Jay and Mary's lives. This was the guy's and Mere's table. I think Joanne took the card home.

Could they be any more adorable?

"writing you to catch you up on places I've been..."

2008-08-15T23:37:00.004-04:00

Checking in from Laguna Beach, CA - also known as paradise on Earth.

I am sunburned and tired, in the best of ways.

My trip here went pretty flawlessly. I left Philly on a 7:30 am flight on Wednesday. Flew into LAX at about 10 am local time. My shuttle took me from LA to Laguna, and the last twenty minutes of the ride was along the coast - pretty amazing. The first of many amazing things, and more to come, as it's only Friday night. The guys are at the rehearsal and I am hanging in the room, listening to the waves and a party going on in the courtyard outside the huge, screenless windows.

When I was younger, I used to practically transcribe certain trips or parties - anytime I had so much fun I wanted to get it all down before it left my head. I have so many of these accounts in my journals from high school and college years. I guess this blog and my digital camera are the 2008 versions of those journals...

Laguna Beach itself, where I spent most of today. The waves are huge and the water temp. is just perfect.

My favorite spot in Laguna: this little park that overlooks the ocean.

The sun beginning to set...

Almost...

Putting the day away...

More to come, I hope, as we celebrate Jay and Mary's wedding tomorrow, and then I head out with Dana Mac to San Diego on Sunday to see the Phillies!

All I Want

2008-08-05T08:30:00.004-04:00

Thanks Finn!

I want to:
live well.

I want to think:
less negatively and more positively.

I want to learn:
as much as humanly possible.

I want to see:
everything with clarity and perspective.

I want to try:
and be a better person, a little bit each day.

I want to tell:
the people I love all of the important stuff, before it's too late.

I want to touch:
the hearts of others with my words and actions.

I want to smell:
the ocean, everyday.

I want to feel:
like I am making a difference, in something.

I want to stop:
trying to change things that are out of my control.

I want to let go of:
the dark parts of the past.

It's all I can think about.

2008-08-04T09:30:00.009-04:00

(Well, not all I can think about - but one of the many things...)

It is my vacation and I leave in just about 10 days. Ten, 10, TEN, TEN! The project I was completely immersed in last week is delivering today and that means no more 11 hour days and more space in my head to fill up with visions of Laguna Beach, California.

Next week, I am traveling cross country to see one of my oldest friends get married to one of the most down-to-Earth girls I've ever met in a beautiful location. Mary and Jason are a great couple and it is going to be an amazing time.

Isn't it weird when you wait for something so long, and then it is finally here. I find myself saying "I can't wait" way too much. As my MomMom so wisely advised me this weekend:

"Don't say 'I can't wait'. Say 'I can hardly wait.' Before you know it, it will be over - so you really can wait!" She is right. I guess I can let the anticipation build a bit more as I finalize plans...

I should get back to work. And by 'work', I mean...yeah, sure, I am working. But every hour or so I google "Laguna Beach" or I go to our hotel website and start to daydream...

I'll be doing this for the next TEN days...

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

2008-07-18T15:01:00.002-04:00

Obsession is a close friend of mine. I obsess over everything. Money, work, my clothes, my weight, my choices, music, time, my relationships, food, the direction my life is moving in...

This blog is no exception.

It has been yet another month of no posts. I started July with a fresh notebook on my desk at work (that excites me, is that weird?) and the goal of writing one blog per day in July. I armed myself with a new Jodi Picoult book (Keeping Faith - phenomenal) for inspiration and even shared my goal with a few people, in an effort to try and stick to it.

18 steamy summer days have passed. And I've got nothing to show for it.

The reason is simple. It is the same reason that the 'backspace' key on my keyboard is more worn-in than all of the others. It is the same reason that I write an e-mail at work and leave the 'To' field blank until the seconds before I am ready to send. Finally, it is the same reason why I have about 24 blog posts that have been started, but sadly left out in the cold, forgotten, and labeled as 'draft'.

Time for a change. Time to stop obsessing, and just create. It is, after all, what fulfills me the most and completely absorbs me.

Please bear with me as I allow myself to make mistakes.

Just Wait

2008-06-19T09:49:00.003-04:00

If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill
I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone?
And is your suffering a privilege you share only?
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home?

Just Wait
Just Wait
Just Wait
And It Will Come

If you think I've given up on you, you're crazy
And if you don't think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long
I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just Wait
Just Wait
Just Wait
And It Will Come

If anything I might've just said has helped you
If anything I might've said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone
I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just Wait
Just Wait
Just Wait
And It Will Come

Exercisin - In more ways than one...

2008-06-17T21:43:00.005-04:00

In another effort to try and get back to myself, I have started working out again. Working out physically - firstly, walking around the little courtyard out back of my apartment on these cool summer nights (while they last). And secondly, below, working out my mind, my fingers and my writing muscles by completing an exercise from an article that a friend sent to me.

The article, entitled "Everyone Has a Story To Tell" is filled with many assignments to help jump start ideas. My friend who sent it to me must have known I need some grounding inspiration, I am the definition of all over the place lately. Expect more of these, everyone needs a little help sometimes.

"Write two pages of instructions to the child you once were."

Believe me, it is not as bad as you think it is. Whatever you are stressing about, and you may not even use the word "stress" at such a young age but that's what it is, please try to let it go and enjoy yourself. That is all you have to do right now, enjoy yourself.

Do not be so self-conscious. Yes, you are pretty geeky, but you are also kind of cute. The length of your bangs or your skirt will not matter in the long run, although it feels so important at the moment.

Try to understand that fitting in with everyone else is boring. Try to let go of the idea that you have to be normal. You'll learn there is no such thing.

Speaking of learning, be forever knowledge-hungry and don''t ever stop asking questions.

Make an effort not to judge others so quickly. This is a tough one.

Savor, remember and reflect on (maybe even write about?) all the time with Mommy, Daddy and Jenna - every vacation, every weeknight watching TV, every dinner, every night you sleep on the floor of their room in the air conditioning...

Let's take it further with savor, remember and write down as much as you can stand to about Daddy. You are doing an OK job and your memory is pretty good, but you'll want much more. So much more. You'll want every detail, so spare nothing.

Take more pictures and get the film developed. Put the pictures in albums.

Be kind, be open-minded, and be honest. Think about each of these words and how they apply to your life at this time.

Do more self-reflection, as it will help you become self-aware.

Don't fist fight Jenna, it's kind of trashy. Don't pull her off your bed by her feet so she hits her head on the frame, hard. You will regret hurting her, even thought she doesn't hold back in hurting you. Another tough one, but it's something you'll need to learn how to do sooner rather than later.

Write more.

Try not to take advantage of the things you are given, which are many. You have privileges, gifts, opportunities, and the wherewithal to move through the next few years with grace.

Pay attention. To everything.

Break out of your shell a little bit.

Stay in touch with people who've left their mark on your heart - there will be quite a few.

Listen to more music, different from what is playing on Eagle 106.

Remember what I said about savoring the moments and that goes for all of your family members, but most specifically your immediate family. I really mean this.

Run Between the Raindrops

2008-06-04T10:40:00.003-04:00

Today brought the first summer rainstorm, complete with humidity, wet shoes and steamed up sunglasses. (Why I wear sunglasses on rainy days is beyond me, it's just something I do.) It's positively yucky outside and one of those days when you'd rather be in bed taking a rain nap. It's a 'let's order in lunch today' to keep from venturing outside into the Center City mess where everyone hops over the puddles on the corners and have umbrella fights as they navigate the sidewalks.

Sometimes I really enjoy the rain. I like the smell of the air right before the sky opens up and it starts to pour. I like how quiet the streets are, only filled with the white noise of the storm. I used to sit out on our back porch during a thunderstorm and watch the sky light up. Most of all, I love the thick droplets of rain that sometimes come down and land hard on the ground, the cars, your forehead.

"Run between the rain drops!", my Dad used to say. He'd joke with us and recount stories of his younger years in which he'd go out in a storm and dodge the drops. I pictured running around, looping in and out of cars and trees. I've heard so many stories about my Dad's youth, from him and from others who knew him. I wish I could go back in time and hang out with my Mom and Dad, when they first met, dated, fell in love. I need a remote control for time.

There is so much I feel I missed out on, when it comes to my Dad and his life.

For now, I will continue to navigate the storm, running between the raindrops.

Level IV

2008-05-05T09:53:00.005-04:00

As defense mechanisms go, I have just learned that there are four levels. The residual knowledge from any high school counseling I endured or Psych classes I took in college had left me with just a few of these mechanisms and no mention of levels. (Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention.) Upon considering the notion that I may be using a defense mechanism lately, or more than one, the words "repression", "displacement", and "projection" swum in my head. The definitions of each are garbled and overlap one another. I wanted to know which mechanism I was using and how. To Wikipedia I went, on yet another search to define my behavior.

According to a man named George Eman Vaillant, the four levels of defense mechanisms exist on a continuum and are defined as:

Level I - psychotic defenses (i.e. psychotic denial, delusional projection)
Level II - immature defenses (i.e. fantasy, projection, passive aggression, acting out)
Level III - neurotic defenses (i.e. intellectualization, dissociation, repression)
Level IV - mature defenses (i.e. humor, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation)

In spending the weekend at my Mom's and helping her as she recovered from shoulder surgery, I thought I was enacting displacement. That's how it went in my head. "I am focusing all of my efforts on helping someone else, instead of concentrating on my own problems. This must be displacement."

As it turns out, I had the definition all wrong. It sounded right, anyway.

After my visit to Wiki and meeting George and his levels, I learn that I am actually practicing one of the mature mechanisms of altruism, defined as "constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction." It turns out to be healthy. It is not a form of procrastination, as I suspected. Who knew?

In an attempt to tackle sublimation (the transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior or emotion), I am taking back my attitude. It got away from me for a while and will undoubtedly scamper away again. By focusing on things that I can control, taking better care of myself, and facing issues head-on (instead of hiding on my couch), I hope to move into an undefined level - not of defense mechanisms - but of myself.

Will I ever catch up?

2008-04-18T11:29:00.006-04:00

It has been a month since I've checked in, as pointed out to me by an (or maybe the only) avid reader. One month, one birthday, one car accident, one tragedy in my extended family, one near nervous breakdown, one injury - no, make that two injuries, a handful of self-realizations, one wedding, one shower, a few too many drinks and way too many tears. And here I am.

I'd rather not recount the details of each generous helping of bad luck that has been served to me lately and how I attempted to handle it. That'd depress me and would not be conducive to my recent attempts to be positive. Never in my life have I ever had to try and be positive. It never required effort. I should, and do, consider myself lucky that a positive outlook (generally) came naturally for so many years.

Have you ever watched a parent and their child as they walk through sidewalk traffic/a train station/the mall, etc.? Picture a small child, maybe only three or four years old and his parent next to them, holding his hand as they essentially drag the child to keep up with the parent's pace. This is a generalization, I realize, but just go with it. The parent has a speed, a stride, a groove and the poor kid is doing the best he can with his little legs. With his arm outstretched and linked to the person he trusts most in the world, he cannot even finish one step before he has to start another.

This is how I feel right now. Beaten, bruised, broken? Not really. It has been undoubtedly a rough patch but there are far worse things to live through. A girl I work with, and really enjoy, has just unexpectedly lost her Dad just one week after her wedding. She and her husband wed in Vegas two weeks ago and a reception was planned for tomorrow. Today, she is burying her Dad instead of preparing for the party. Things could absolutely be worse.

I feel like the kid who cannot keep up. My legs are working as hard as they possibly can to find my place in the world and be good at being in that place. And just when I think I am stepping in line with everyone else, the world speeds up and I fall behind.

Fortunately, the place I am running to is bright and full of so many great things. And if I need the world to keep me at a good pace, then here I am, reaching out my hand and holding on tight.

Mr. Johnson

2008-03-14T11:20:00.005-04:00

In his 52 years of life, I am sure my Dad had many friends. He was charming and social, had a good sense of humor and an infectious laugh. He worked as a bartender and a cook, and in those lines of work, you make tons of friends. Any friends he had, though, never came around. Unlike my Mom's friends, they didn't stop over the house, or visit often. Jenna and I didn't know any of them, really.

When Stevie (our neighbor and the husband of one of my Mom's best friends, Missy) and my Dad became friends, it was a relationship I found to be extremely healthy for my Dad. Stevie was always staunchly against drugs, having had his share of experience with them in his younger years, before kids, etc. They enjoyed watching any and all kinds of sports together. Stevie was also really active and played basketball, went running daily, and so on. I figured that any kind of impact that Stevie had on my Dad would have to be positive. So I really enjoyed them spending time together. Stevie got a kick out of my Dad and his antics.

Stevie recently recounted a memory of my Dad dancing to "Come on Ride The Train" one year at the BVM Octoberfest and essentially embarassing the hell out of Jenna as she rode the ferris wheel. He told Jenna and I the story as Jenna waited on us in Coco's, the pizza place where she is working now.

"Everytime the ride came down and Jenna's car was at the bottom, Den would start dancing and singing 'come on ride the train...'. It was hilarious." Stevie smiled at the vision he created for us and sang a line of the song to Jenna everytime she came over to refill our sodas. We laughed at Stevie and at my Dad. I can so vividly remember him loving that song and dancing to it.

At my Dad's viewing, perhaps the most touching, and sad, moment was when Stevie came up to the casket to pay his respects. He shuffled up to the area near my Dad's face and stared at him. With his eyes cast down towards the floor, he shook his head and whispered:

"I always loved watching the games with you, Den. We should still be watching the games now."

Witnessing this broke my heart into more pieces than it was already in that day as did seeing Stevie carrying my Dad's casket down the aisle of the church, serving as a pall bearer.

Stevie, or Mr. Johnson as my Mom calls him, probably doesn't know how much of an impact he had on my Dad's life. I should probably tell him someday...

The Exquisite Pain is...

2008-03-13T11:00:00.003-04:00

...the tenderness in my upper thighs and all of the muscles one uses to sit and stand. You know, the kind of pain that produces audible whimpers when you try and lower yourself onto the toilet. It's good pain, though, because it is a direct result of the work out I did yesterday. I dusted off my old copy of Carmen Electra's Fit to Strip DVD and did a few of the exercises in my living room, after a nice 30 minute walk outside in the sun. This is the kind of pain that hurts on the surface but deep down feels really (REALLY) good.

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." - Kenji Miyazawa

Absolutely, Ralph Waldo Emerson.

2008-03-10T16:26:00.000-04:00

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. Ralph Waldo Emerson

-my credo for an insanely annoying Monday..

Crazy Eights - Why Not?

2008-02-29T15:28:00.003-05:00

Eight Things I am Passionate About:
Music
Writing
My relationships
My work (most days)
My future
Working out (not exactly passionate, but newly excited and focused on it)
Traveling
Living well and fully

Eight Things I want to Do Before I Die:
Travel as many places as I can
Fall in love
Meet my children, and their children
Write a book
Become well-established in a career
Get in better shape
Take care of my family
See the Pacific Ocean

8 Things I say Often:
That's what she said...
oh hiiiii...
awwww
so cute
amazing...
I love this song.
I have no money.
I love you.

8 Books I've Read Recently:
Mercy
A Perfect Match
19 Minutes
90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Death and Life
(this list needs to be longer...)

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over (and over):
almost anything by John Mayer, Rod Stewart and Kenny Chesney
Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters - Elton John
Crazy Love - Van Morrison
Band on the Run - Wings
Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight - Amos Lee
Turn off My Heart - Rich Price
I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - Elton John
Better Man - James Morrison

8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends:
honesty
self-awareness
open-mindedness
loyalty
respect
sense of humor
strong sense of self (goes along with self-awareness, I guess)
love of life

Womanly and Inviting

2008-02-25T09:38:00.007-05:00

The first time Jackie ever referred to my body as "womanly and inviting", I most likely spit out my drink. We probably both cracked up for a good 5 minutes and struggled to regain our breath. Although I know she was most likely serious and trying to deliver a compliment, we've both gone back to this phrase constantly, and it gets funnier every time.

In my 3rd, I think, week of going to the gym - faithfully (even weekends!) - I am finally starting to notice a bit of improvement. It has been undoubtedly slow, and I realize how much further I have to go. I am finding myself enjoying it, though. I actually want to go to the gym and I feel lazy if I don't. Never in my life did I think that I'd be an exercise advocate, but here I am.

Jack always told me it would get easier. She told me I would feel better, she told me I would get really into it and I might become a little addicted. She told me it would help with my arthritis.

Who knew? Maybe the next time Jackie tells me that my body is womanly and inviting, I will actually believe her...

I used to be allergic to candy, or so I thought.

2008-02-17T18:49:00.005-05:00

Up until I was at least 5 or 6 (or the age where things start to make sense, you start processing thoughts and memories start leaving their marks), I believed I was allergic to candy. In a genious move by Peg, I was never allowed to eat it - for fear of some disasterous allergic reaction. I distinctly remember looking longingly at a pack of Rolos in our freezer and really wanting them. I wondered what would actually happen if I decided to try 1, just 1. The Rolos remained in the freezer for someone else to enjoy (Peg I'm sure).

It is not known how I actually learned that I was being duped. I am sure if I asked Peg there is a small chance she'd remember. It doesn't quite matter, at this point, because I am 26 years old now, no longer living under the false pretense.

The ban on candy in the early years of my life may have shaped my current eating habits. I almost never order dessert. I don't crave chocolate (granted, what I do crave is a cheeseburger). Sure, I'll always indulge in an ice cream cone on a summer night or a 3 pm trip downstairs to the Gateway News Stand in our building for some M&M's. I think, however, I can honestly say that I might be able to live without the sweet stuff. Cheesecake? No thanks. Cheese fries? Yes please.

So I guess I am grateful to Peg for withholding candy from me all those years, most likely keeping it for herself - as she is quite the sweet tooth. The woman used to crumble Oreos on top of her cereal and she chose doughnuts as her last meal - sweet tooth might be an understatement.

The Candy Allergy has prompted me to think about some other things habits that maybe I wish she had kept out of reach. I made a list, I ALWAYS make lists:

1.) Reality TV - I have developed such a love/hate relationship with reality TV shows. The ones I truly enjoy keep me captive in front of my TV for hours. America's Next Top Model is one hour a week where I can be completely vain. It feels good. The ones I do not like as much eventually convince me and before I know it, I am getting irrationally angry at the little, snooty brats who go through their parents money like water on My Super Sweet 16.

2.) Inadvertently touching my face - My skin isn't terrible, but I do have the occasional break out due to the magnetism between my hands and my face. I cannot help it, I do not even realize I am doing it.

3.) Tattoos - Can I start over? When it comes to body art, I probably could have made some better choices. I am working on it...

4.) ATM Card Usage - I've got 10 or so some-odd years of frivolous spending under my belt. I wish the ATM card was never invented, moreso I wish I wasn't allowed to use it. My Mom has tried, repeatedly, to help me with this. She literally took my card for about 2 weeks. It did work though (until I took it back) but I am trying to part with my little plastic friend once again.

I am sure I could think of more of these little vices. I'll have to start a new list.

Anyway, thanks Mom. xoxo

Water water everywhere, and not a drop to drink...

2008-02-14T17:12:00.005-05:00

It's February 14th and our little office is a buzz with Valentine's day. Bagels from the sales team and Hershey Kisses from the Building - of which I've eaten at least 17 pieces. Of course, the day would not be complete without the quintessential V-Day indication - flowers. Bouquets dot the desks of quite a few of the lucky ladies I work with.

In reality, I was a little bummed about not having any special someone with whom to share the holiday. Yes, I realize how pathetic that sounds. So I let myself have a little pity party, table for 1 please, for just a few moments this morning. I joked with Barbra about when our flowers were arriving. She smiled painfully and joked back to me, "That's alright, we'll just plant our own flowers Kristen", and she laughed to herself. She didn't realize how right she was.

I'll plant my own...

Thanks for the Post It Notes.....

2008-02-12T12:24:00.001-05:00

Thanks for the advice on our shared ailment, I need it and appreciate it (always).

Thanks for giving me my first "little" cousin, he isn't so little anymore (an understatement).

Thanks for the couple times you've loaned me money, I am forever grateful.

Thanks for the nickname, it has stuck.

Thanks for letting me (us) use your car.

Thanks for being my Fairy GodMother.

Thanks for being my ally, when needed, against my Mom, or your Mom.

Thanks for the books this Christmas, I cannot put them down, and they were exactly what I wanted.

Thanks for always being honest with me, ever since I was young.

Thanks for taking care of me when I was sick in grade school and had to stay home, thanks for the magazines, thanks for the milkshake.

Thanks for sharing that letter with us, it was nice to read it and know that we are not the only daughters who have ever felt that way about their Daddy.

Thanks for your unending support of whatever I am doing, including this very blog.

Thanks for being one of my biggest fans.

Oh and thanks for the Post It Notes...

"Is forever enough 'cause I'm never never giving you up..."

2008-02-03T22:46:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday night, and I was lying in my bed after a long Sunday of indulgences with Jackie: food, SuperBad, M&M's, hysterical laughter, my couch, Pig Daddy's, Season 2 of The Office. She left, I watched the Giants upset the Pats and tried unsuccessfully to sleep. So I hopped up and got online to try and put together some thoughts.

Lately, I've been dreaming almost every night of my house in Darby. Whatever the dream is about, the setting is our house. 19 South 13th Street. I lived there since birth (just about) and we moved out a little over a year ago. My entire life played out in that house and leaving it was devastatingly difficult. I had a hard time imagining living anywhere else.

Admittedly, I drive down my old street at least once a week when I get off the train in Lansdowne. Slowly making a right onto 13th and heading towards the creek, I tap the brakes at the 3rd house from the end on the left. If anyone, particularly the current residents, saw me, I am sure I'd look like a nut or a stalker or both. I'd really cross that line of appropriateness if I did what I always crave doing - which is knock on the door and ask if I could come in and take a look around. Luckily, I've been blessed with a picturesque memory.

Coming in the front door to the porch, careful how you swing the door open. You wouldn't want it to hit the 3 white bookshelves along the wall that held tons of picture frames and cause them to fall. The sun always seeped through the 5 windows and sat in the little room like a warm fog. Throw your coat on the futon and, if you remember, take off your shoes before you step onto the whitish rugs of the living room and the rest of the house.

You'll probably be met with the smell of my Mom's perfume, cigs, eucalyptus, dinner cooking or a combination of all of the above. The couches were always oversized and comfy and TV always on. The doorway from the living to the dining rooms was framed with window panels up each side. Next to them is a light switch that never worked and we never knew its purpose.

The dining room houses the computer and desk, and our "Growing Up Gotti" mirrored dining set. The legs of the table are damaged from the flood, Hurricane Floyd, of 1999. It was my first semester at college and the storm brought the waters of the aforementioned creek at the bottom of the street to overflow. The damage to our house was extensive and it was unlivable for months. The first time I came home from college and was actually able to return to my own house wasn't until Christmas. It was a true homecoming...

Ivy and green is the theme in the breakfast room, sunflowers in the kitchen. The same fridge for as long as I can remember with photo magnets of each year we were on swim team. Head out the back door to the back porch and deck, my Dad's project in the 80's. Many, many summer nights spent out there eating dinner and it was Jenna's spot for most of high school and after.

Going up the steps to the 2nd floor, if it was the summer, there was a more than noticeable increase in temperature. The narrow bathroom's grey and white tiled floor was covered with a rug in whichever theme was the flavor of the month - butterflies, sun and moon, leopard... Peg knows she is the queen of the theme.

Jen's (old) bedroom, now used as a spare and then mine. The pink plush rug was worn in the middle. I slept in a twin bed my whole life. Remnants of my childhood still linger as well as high school and college pictures, way too many frames and an overflowing closet.

The hallway leading to the master bedroom, also narrow, is a place I used to sleep when I was young and scared. I'd awake in the middle of the night and, instead of climbing into bed with my Mom and Dad, just peek under the door, see the light of the TV and curl up on the hall floor. That was usually good enough for me. Their room was swallowed by their California King Brass bed and the dark wood furniture - the tan rug worn very thin and the air conditioner emitted a distinct smell - one that I'd recognize instantly and give anything to have the chance to.

The 3rd floor was used for storage, an apartment for my Mom Mom when we were very young, a little playroom of sorts, and eventually Jenna's room. Almost tripping over Puff's litter and up the dusty dark steps, it was a huge room that I would eventually kick myself for not moving my stuff up there first.

Way, way, way too many memories there to recount, I couldn't even begin to illustrate them. The house still feels like a part of me, although it's been over a year and my apartment is my own perfect little home. The day of settlement, I took off work and helped my Mom. When we made our last trip in, the rooms were depressingly empty and the walls bare, I found her sitting on the radiator, crying. She never cries, ever. Trying to be brave for her, I just sat down and soaked in the silence of being there.

I pushed my pain away and I attempted to let go. I tried (unsuccessfully) to keep a copy of the key. I left the number as speed dial 2 on my phone and listed as "Home" until I had to get a new phone. Denial? Maybe. More like tearing off a Band-Aid slowly so that you feel it and you know it's real.

Last week, Jenna sent me a text of a picture of the back porch. She took it while visiting our old neighbor. Barely recognizable and small, it surely is the same house, but not the same home.

Motivating Tunes

2008-01-30T10:14:00.000-05:00

Last night was my first experience at DrexelBrook fitness center. A 2-roomed facility next to the corporate offices (the place where I drop off my rent and bills), it is an OK gym. A few treadmills, 2 elliptical machines (1 of which is broken), weight machines, mats and yoga balls. For fifteen bucks a month, you really can't beat it.

Music is my primary motivator in life and the gym is no different. I am praying my iPod mini doesn't give out on me soon. I think I have crafted the perfect Thirty Minute Walking Playlist, if I do say so myself:

Warm Up:
F*ck You (Untouchable Face) - Ani DiFranco
I Wanna Be With You - Adam Hood
Starting to pep up a bit:
Jimi Thing - DMB
Jump into a fast walk:
CrazyBitch - Buckcherry
Mississippi (Cover) - Dixie Chicks with Sheryl Crow
Every Picture Tells a Story - Rod Stewart
In a good rythym:
I'll Fly With You - Gigi D'Agostino
Rythm of My Heart - Rod Stewart'
Only Heart - John Mayer
Get Money - Junior Mafia
Just Don't Happen Twice - Kenny Chesney
How Many Licks - Lil Kim
Slowing down:
Power of Two - Indigo Girls
Home Life (Acousitc) - John Mayer
Stop Falling - Pink
Warm Love - Van Morrison
I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
Clarity - John Mayer

Let's hope it keeps me going!